This post is part of the ALIVE in Berlin Blog Tour, which is spreading the power of ALIVENESS to the masses. Alive in Berlin is a global gathering devoted to personal transformation that takes place on the 30th and 31st of May 2014 in Europe’s most exciting city. The event will bring together world-class experts, visionaries and change makers from a variety of communities and disciplines. Together, we’ll explore the common threads that connect us and make us come alive. To learn more and join us, click here.
Three years ago I had achieved it all. From the outside, I was living “the dream”. Living in France being married to my gorgeous soulmate, having three amazing and healthy children, a beautiful house, dear friends, a corporate job where I could combine being professional & mother and a very comfortable financial situation.
According to everyone, I had it all and was supposed to be happy, but on the inside, I was literally dying !
By the age of 33, trying to play the role of the perfect wife, mother, friend and professional, I had lost connection with myself and was living someone else’s life. Thinking there was something wrong with me, feeling unworthy, I was hiding and resisting being myself so dynamically that my body was manifesting several autoimmune diseases like ulcerous colitis, chronic depression, hypothyroiditis. Autoimmunity literally meaning “failure of an organism in recognizing its own constituent parts as self leading to an immune response against its own cells and tissues”. Simply put, I had become infectiously toxic to myself. My sweet and amazing body was expressing the war within me and I wasn’t listening !
My strong desire to be loved and accepted created years of looking for outside validation and lead to an unconscious quest for perfection. If I worked hard and was successfull, If I had friends, If I could get along with people, If I could take care of myself, look good and find a good man who could take care of me and create a happy family, THEN I finally could relax, feel loved and have true connections. So I did all that, I had all that … and it still wasn’t enough. I still didn’t feel at peace. There was one person missing from the equation, ME.
I was looking from the outside something that had to be found from the inside. I was giving and caring for others believing that I would receive love in return. But the truth is I wasn’t.
I couldn’t receive their love and caring, cause I had already learned to put up my barriers and raised my walls of protection.
I had built a defensive fortress around myself that also unabled me to receive.
I thought I needed to protect myself from the unkindness of the judgements that people were doing simply by not seeing and receiving me as me.
In January 2011, my third son was about to turn 8 months and I had just returned back to work, only to discover that I couldn’t do the corporate thing anymore, that I desired space and freedom and decided to start my own business. A couple of days after officially quitting my job, I found myself in the hospital once more and had to go through my 8th abdominal surgery, this time for a bowel obstruction. There inevitably was something I wasn’t willing to “digest” with ease and flow in my life. My body had to scream it’s guts out for me to stop and listen to what the universe had to tell me.
This time I felt I was litterally dying. I was in so much pain and suffering that I HAD to let go ! I was forced to surrender to my body. My controlling mind just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to give up the fight and admit my helplessness.
I had to give up control, face myself, face loneliness, being lost, helpless and be vulnerable !
I had to start asking for and receiving help from others and allow them into my universe. It was an extremely difficult thing to do for me and I was scared to let people in after all the years of hiding and building up concrete walls of protection around me.
It’s then, back home from the hospital, that I came to see in a chrystal clear way that there is my body, my mind and my infinite being and that they co-create either the dream or disaster that is ME and my life. It’s in this moment of struggling for life that I realized how loosing the connection to me and my infinite being had resulted in my mind taking over and ruling my life in a hard, cold and unkind way. It was my mind/ego that wanted war and by giving myself up for “the quest of love” I had given over my body as it’s battlefield.
Through this painful event, I was invited to come back home, to receive my body, to surrender to it, love it, nurture it, play with it and actually live in it. My body was going to guide me back to my softness, my kindness, my caring and revive my heart that had turned cold. But I had to start listening to its wisdom and come to peace with it. By opening my heart, I could then let my love and light radiate around me and melt other frozen hearts and create joyful change to many on this planet !
Empowered by the awareness gained from my self destructive experiences and through my holistic healing journey back to health, happiness and consciousness, I’ve come to realize how important it is to trust my knowing, to put myself first, to organically and deeply love myself whatever that means to me. I have to allow myself to explore, be adventurous, connect and play with my body. I have to be willing to be as different, weird and sensitive that I am, even if that means being kind, caring, forgiving, intense, playful and joyful…
I have to stop fighting myself, get out of my own way and have the courage to choose different !
Only I can know, be, perceive and receive my true capacities and abilities. Only I can be ME and create the life of my dreams. Only I know what I know. Only I can tell my story and share that special gift that only I have and am here to contribute with. No one else will find and see me in totality. Using others as an excuse for not showing up is definetly not a contribution to me, to them, nor to the planet. There is work to do and fun to have. This life is about celebration and not about suffering or boredom. There’s no such thing as “no choice”. The greatest power we have IS choice and it’s always available.
By getting out of victimhood, I’ve come to see that I am the creator source of my life and only I can choose to change it. I’ve chosen this planet, this life, this time to come here and create change.
That change starts with me and it has to be from the inside out !
I don’t have to be perfect, flawless, a wonderwoman, nor do I have to be strong, successfull and a “good” mother as this reality defines it. I only have to wake up to me and be as vulnerable, imperfect, courageous and different that I truly am. There lies my infinite power and I can choose awareness and oneness by letting go of my limiting thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I can choose to be a space of allowance, wonder, joy and change by being intensly present here and now. And that truly is changing the world.
Being all of me, inspiring others to be the greatest versions of themselves, receiving everything and judging nothing is what truly being ALIVE means to me !
I believe we’re all meant to be vibrantly ALIVE, to create joyful, conscious and orgasmic lives beyond our wildest dreams and change the world together.